


It’s exactly what it looks like

by archaeologist_d



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Bread Sex, Canon Era, Canon Universe, Dildos, M/M, Merlin is an idiot, Sexy Times, arthur couldn't believe his eyes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-02
Updated: 2019-10-02
Packaged: 2020-11-22 06:24:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,719
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20869658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/archaeologist_d/pseuds/archaeologist_d
Summary: Merlin’s use of bread wasn’t exactly what Arthur expected. In fact, Arthur couldn't believe his eyes.





	It’s exactly what it looks like

“It’s not what it looks like.” Merlin’s face was flame red and he kept hiding the bread behind his back. It was oddly shaped, a foot long and thin, a few inches in diameter and Arthur supposed that one could munch on it on the go, but the crust was hard and thick. It looked almost inedible. Why Merlin was going around with such food was certainly strange.

But then Merlin was strange, too.

“And what does it look like, Merlin?” Arthur drawled in his best about-to-mock-Merlin voice.

Arthur didn’t think Merlin’s face could get any redder, but he was wrong. And the idiot looked sweaty, too, and guilty as hell.

“Can we not talk about it here? Or at all? It’s just something for Gaius,” Merlin muttered a bit, then brushed past Arthur and ran up the stairs. A moment later, a door slammed, then there was another muffled slam.

Merlin must have gone into his bedroom. Oh, it had to be really embarrassing and Arthur was certainly in the mood for winding Merlin up a bit.

Besides, if that was for Gaius, Arthur would eat his left boot. And Arthur wasn’t in the mood for boot leather.

He sauntered his way upstairs, taking his time to let Merlin settle in first, let him think that Arthur was just going to let whatever it was go. Not that Arthur was, but it always helped to confound people’s expectations.

If he was a bit quieter than normal and opened Gaius’s chamber door slowly, and tiptoed up the stairs to Merlin’s room, well, it served Merlin right for keeping things from him.

Arthur didn’t open Merlin’s door right away, instead listened a bit first – not that he was eavesdropping, but it was his castle and he had a right to know what was going on. He could see into the room, too, through a crack in the door.

Merlin seemed to be looking at a book, then at the slender baguette, then glancing toward the door before seeing nothing – Arthur was good at stealth after all. Merlin went back to the book, then started taking off his clothes.

Which was a surprise.

Arthur wasn’t shy about his own body, but Merlin was, and Arthur had to admit that he was more than a little interested in the lines and planes of Merlin’s slim form. The eyeful he got said a lot about how truly fit Merlin was. A sprinkle of chest hair but arms strong, a flat plane of stomach and oh, my, a cock that was showing interest in whatever Merlin was reading.

Arthur couldn’t figure out what was going on, but he was certainly enjoying the view.

Then Merlin did something odd. He took some fat or oil from a jar he had next to his bed and smeared it onto the baguette. Arthur figured maybe he’d be eating it later, maybe letting the fat soak into the bread to soften it up a bit. But Merlin’s eyes were like saucers and he was sweating more than a little, biting at his lip which was making it red and wet and rather luscious. He was breathing heavily, too, and his cock was definitely perking up. A lot.

Arthur wasn’t exactly immune to what was going on. Seeing that cock, thinking about how well it would fit into Arthur if only he’d been less of a coward, was not helping his equilibrium. His own cock was swelling a bit, his entrance clenching a little in anticipation. Although what Arthur was anticipating wasn’t what happened next.

Merlin pushed the oil-slicked bread into his own entrance and started to sink down onto it, groaning the whole time.

By the gods, Merlin was using it as a dildo. That couldn’t be right. Bread was for eating, not pleasure.

Arthur forgot that he was spying on Merlin and tumbled into his room. It was a bit difficult standing there watching Merlin since Arthur’s cock was hard and tight against his breeches, but he managed to put a princely face on and said, “What are you doing?”

As if it wasn’t clear.

Not unexpectedly, Merlin lurched a little and the bready dildo slipped further in, then the end snapped off. Merlin groaned, his cock waving in the air, as Merlin tried simultaneously not to wiggle and cover himself up with that ratty neckerchief of his.

He was panting a bit, his mouth wet, and stammering, “It’s not what you think.” Then, clumsy as ever, he leaned back and the dildo disappeared into Merlin’s body. There was a long groan, and Merlin’s eyes were rolling back into his head, and Arthur could see him swallowing hard. Merlin’s hands were fluttering around his cock, and trying to pull out the remnants of the bread at the same time, but every movement just seemed to make Merlin’s cock harder. It must have been hitting just the right spot.

It made Arthur harder, too.

Carefully, Arthur limped over to Merlin who was whimpering by this time, and said, “Do you need any help with that?”

Arthur didn’t mention just what kind of help.

Merlin opened his mouth, then closed it again, shaking his head.

Leaning in, whispering into Merlin’s ear, Arthur said, “I can get some butter from the kitchens for that bread. Make it slip out easier.” He glanced down at Merlin’s leaking cock and smiled, brushing one hand over it, smearing pre-come a bit. “Or use it for other things.”

“Oh, gods, it’s… it’s.” Merlin grabbed Arthur’s tunic, then shoved his cock up, chasing after Arthur’s touch. It must have made the dildo wiggle a bit inside. And that was just enough. With a sharp groan, Merlin came all over Arthur’s fingers. 

It was the sexiest thing Arthur had ever seen. The panting, the wail, the way Merlin’s face twisted in agonized pleasure, his hands scrambling for Arthur, his cock settling into Arthur’s palm, heating it.

And it wasn’t over once Merlin had come. The bread was still inside, still moving whenever Merlin tried to lay back, tried to reach inside, tried to look and not look at the mess on Arthur’s fingers. Every little effort was trying to drive Merlin back into ecstasy. 

Arthur wiped his fingers on Merlin’s chest, then leaning in and biting Merlin’s earlobe, murmured, “Shall I reach in? Pull it out? Or will you just leave it in until it dissolves eventually? It could take days.”

Merlin looked up, crazed and frantic. “I hate you, you arse.”

Arthur just smirked down at him. “I can see that.” He drew one finger through the come and pressed it against Merlin’s mouth. “I can leave if you want.”

As Merlin started to protest again, Arthur shoved the come-laden finger in, then followed it with his tongue. The flavor of Merlin was overwhelming, and Merlin’s groans just made Arthur want to rut against him. Merlin’s hands were grabbing onto him, pulling him closer, shoving under Arthur’s tunic, trying desperately to unlace him.

Merlin was a crap undresser, too. Arthur pulled back, tossed his tunic to one side, unlacing his breeches, barely remembering to shove off his boots first, then practically diving into Merlin’s bed.

It made Merlin twist a bit and his cock was showing interest again. That bread still inside must have been driving him wild.

But Arthur had nowhere to shove his own cock into. The bed was too narrow and Merlin was incapable to sitting, or better yet, kneeling at the moment. And there was still bread in Merlin’s arse.

Merlin was full of surprises, though. He grabbed more of jar’s fat, smeared it onto Arthur’s cock, the unbelievably, Merlin was able to shimmy down a little, his arse in the air, and took Arthur into that impertinent mouth of his. 

It didn’t take long. Merlin had talent, talent that Arthur had never known before, and Arthur was coming, white ecstasy ripping through him.

When he came down from that glorious height, Merlin’s face was in the pillow, his little behind still waving about, and he seemed to be trying to scoop out pieces of the bready dildo. He was making grunting noises, too, as if frustrated or maybe getting pleasure from the bread remnants. It must have been wonderful or terrible.

Arthur took pity on him. Turning, brushing his hand down Merlin’s back, he said, not mocking at all, “Do you need help? Because I can, you know.”

Merlin must have heard the sincerity in Arthur’s voice. “Please, it’s stuck. I can’t….” And Merlin gave a little pained whimper. His cock was filling again, too, but Merlin didn’t look happy about it.

Arthur sat up, slowly because he was still reeling from what they’d just done together, then he flattened his hand against the base of Merlin’s back.

“Let me,” Arthur said. And when Merlin nodded, Arthur slowly pushed one finger into Merlin’s entrance, feeling around for the bread. He was careful, too, because he didn’t want to shove it further into Merlin’s body. But he needed to put two fingers in, to get a grip on the softening bread.

It was difficult. The dildo wasn’t hard and crusty any more and Arthur had to go in several times, each time deeper to pull out bits and pieces. Finally, soothing Merlin as best he could, he had to put his whole hand in, searching for the last remnants.

At last, he’d done what he could. Pulling back, cleaning off his hand of things he really didn’t want to think about, he watched as Merlin was laying there, more sleepy than excited, his face pained and embarrassed in equal measure.

Finally, putting his clothes back on, Arthur sat down on Merlin’s bed and stroked him, shoulder to lovely flank and back again. Then he pulled the very messy and desperately-needed-to-be-washed blanket over Merlin, he said, “Next time, try not to use bread. Wood is better or some carved vegetables.”

Merlin just nodded. “The book said it was used a lot by the Greeks. I thought….”

Smiling, Arthur leaned down and gave Merlin a little shake. “What have I told you about thinking?” When Merlin’s eyes flashed the beginnings of affront, Arthur grinned. “Next time, you won’t need bread.”

Arthur dove in for a deep, filthy kiss. “Next time, you’ll have me.”

**Author's Note:**

> Author's Notes: Apparently the ancient Greeks used to use bread as a dildo for whatever reason.   
Disclaimer: I do not own the BBC version of Merlin; It and Shine do. I am very respectfully borrowing them with no intent to profit. No money has changed hands. No copyright infringement is intended.


End file.
